I am holding three all-day writing workshops this year on Sunday 22nd April, Sunday 22 July, and Sunday 21 October. They will follow the format of the workshops I held at the Victorian Writers Centre over the past three years (more details on the format below).

The workshops are open to writers of all levels, of both fiction and non-fiction, and of all genres.

The workshops will run from 10.00 am – 4.00 pm and the cost of all three will be $297.00 (includes gst). They will be held at The Wheeler Centre (next to the State Library), Melbourne.

For those of you who have not attended one of my all-day workshops in the past, they involve the following: 

• At least two weeks before each workshop date, each participant will email me a piece of work (up to 2000 words)
• I will forward each piece onto each participant, and each participant will read everyone else’s piece.
• On the day of the workshop, each participant will have their writing critically reviewed by all participants including myself. This process has proven very successful and popular.
• Writing exercises will be given in class, based on common problem areas as identified in the review process.
• Individual exercises may also be given to be completed between sessions.

I am limiting the number of participants to 12. At this stage, preference is given to those who book to attend all three workshops.

If you are interested, email me at nic@writer.com.au and I will send payment options details. It is a first-come, first-served basis, so the first 12 people to pay will be the participants.

If you have a friend who you think may be interested, or who you want to book with, feel free to send them the link to this blog.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Nicolas Brasch
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I received an early Christmas present this week.

I have been directing a play (which I also wrote) for the Grade 6 kids at the local primary school to perform at their graduation.

After their performance, the principal invited me on stage to present me with a gift. Fair enough I thought – and I got a lovely olive tree. But that’s not all. The principal announced that to recognise my work running a few writing and storytelling workshops, and for doing the play each year, and giving them copies of my books when they come out, they were going to inaugurate the annual Nicolas Brasch Award for writing which each year would go to the Grade 6 student who showed the most promise in writing stories. I had to present the award to this year’s winner. The award comprised a medal with my name on it, and a certificate headed The Nicolas Brasch Award for Writing. I was somewhat embarrassed. But at least if I drop dead now, I know my name will live on.

Merry Christmas all!

Nicolas Brasch
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Okay, it’s time for me to announce the winner of the 2011 Corporate Communications Clown of the Year Award. This award is given to the person, department or corporation I believe is most responsible for the worst (best?) example of corporate-speak or the worst (best?) attempt at corporate spin.

Throughout the year I have provided a few nominations but some late entries have come to my attention. First, let’s recap some of the earlier ‘achievements’.

First up was Geoff Parker, Chief Executive of the Australasian Bottled Water Institute. He was reacting to the decision by the University of Canberra to ban the sale of bottled water on its campus, a move that is estimated to reduce the amount of bottled water by 140,000 a year. According to Mr Parker, the ‘jury is out’ on whether refillable bottles are better for the environment than the production of plastic bottles. Say what? I emailed him to ‘please explain’ but got no response.

Telcos are always candidates for this type of award, given their love of jargon and corporate-speak. This year it was Optus Chief Executive, Paul O’Sullivan, who excelled when he sent an internal email announcing a round of redundancies. Did he mention the redundancies in the first sentence of the email? No, instead he said, ‘Today we are taking another step in our transformation journey.’ How about the second sentence? No, that was where he mentioned the need for Optus to be ‘efficient and streamlined’. Then it must have been the third sentence. No! That was all about reviewing ‘our structure, our capability, our systems and processes, and our cost base.’ Finally he got around to mentioning the redundancies – sort of. ‘As a result of our review we have made some hard decisions – to consolidate roles, reduce headcount and reduce operating expenditure.’ Does that mean people are going to lose their jobs? Finally, he spat it out – ‘Today we are announcing the removal of 250 roles from across all areas of the business. This will result in around 180 people leaving the company.’ There, that wasn’t too hard, was it?

For the marketing disaster of the year, we go overseas, and the US clothing company, backcountry.com. As Americans watched disastrous winds wreak havoc across Tornado Alley, backcountry.com sent out a marketing email that read: 

MOTHER NATURE HATES YOU.

DEAL WITH IT!

UP TO 40% OFF OUTERWEAR AND RAINWEAR.

So sensitive!

Back home for the next two nominations – and away from private enterprise to the world of government. First comes this priceless example of corporate-speak from the Department of Defence. In response to suggestions that the Department did not respond in a timely and appropriate manner to media requests, they admitted that there was an ‘indifferent organisational responsiveness to ministerial requests associated with media inquiries and media activities’. That explains it then, doesn’t it?

Politicians mangling the English language is nothing new. My all time favourite would have to be William McMahon’s priceless contribution during the 1972 election campaign, ‘There comes a time in the flood of time in the affairs of men that, taken at the flood of the tide, leads on to fortune.’ Now fledging Senator John Madigan of the DLP might not be quite in that class yet but he’s on the way if he continues to mix his metaphors like he did earlier in the year, ‘A lot of people feel like they are a mouse in a Ferris wheel in a big pond of water and if they so much as stop and smell the roses, they are going to bloody drown.’ Have you got that image in your mind: a mouse, sitting on a Ferris wheel, that has been erected in the middle of a pond, and somehow the mouse is able to reach out and grab some roses … forget it.

But the winner of the Corporate Communications Clown Award of the Year goes to those members of the Victoria Police based in Gippsland who directed local businesses to stop selling alcohol to Aboriginal people in East Bairnsdale. When complaints started rolling in, they backtracked by explaining that what they meant to say was that local businesses should stop selling alcohol to possible troublemakers. I have looked up both the Macquarie Dictionary and Roget’s Thesaurus but cannot find where ‘possible troublemakers’ is n official synonym for ‘Aboriginal Australians’.  This isn’t Alabama in the early 60s, this is Victoria 2011.

Let’s see what 2012 brings.

Nicolas Brasch
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In the past few weeks it has been my pleasure to attend two fantastic events for children’s writers and illustrators. Apart from being fantastic network opportunities, they stood out largely because of the obvious dedication and passion of those who organised them.

First, there was the Children’s Book Council of Australia Awards held at The Wine Centre in Adelaide. I attended this event for the first time and came away full of admiration for the Committee Members and the Judges. Apart from their extraordinary knowledge of the world of children’s book writing, their organisational skills left far better financed organisations for dead. Most importantly, I realised for the first time just how important these awards are. Congratulations to all the winners.

The second event I attended was the Ballarat Writers Festival which specialises in children’s writing and illustrating. This event is now a must-attend for anyone interested in children’s books (or should I say ‘content’ given the enormous changes occurring in our industry). I was fortunate enough to attend the pre-festival dinner where I met some very interesting people and bumped into a few acquaintances. The panels and workshops held the following day were informative and fascinating (even the one I was on). I’ve already got next year’s Festival in my diary.

Nicolas Brasch
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Optus has just announced a round of redundancies. The Chief Executive, Paul O’Sullivan, emailed all staff with the announcement, though you have to go to very last line of opening paragraph (after numerous euphemisms) before finding out how many people will lose their jobs. Paul O’Suillivan is nomination number three for Corporate Clown of the Year in regard to use of management speak and/or trying to pull the wool over the eyes of consumers and public (or in his case, his own staff).

Thanks to Crikey.com.au for the following extract from the email: 

Hi teamToday we are taking another step in our transformation journey. In a highly competitive industry it’s important we are efficient and streamlined. Over the past few months we have reviewed our structure, our capability, our systems and processes, and our cost base. As a result of our review we have made some hard decisions — to consolidate roles, reduce headcount and reduce operating expenditure. Today we are announcing the removal of 250 roles from across all areas of the business. This will result in around 180 people leaving the company.

Nicolas Brasch
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